We've all had days where we wake up grumpy and that grump continues throughout the day. We mess up breakfast, forget appointments, lose our keys. In the end it looks like the real problem isn't what's happening to us but our attitude about it.
I have to be honest and say that while I have had these days before, I have a really hard time accepting when my son does. This is probably because when he has a bad day, I also have to engage in the bad day.
But I realized today that maybe I shouldn't be looking at the day as "off" and instead focus on each moment, getting through them, and helping him begin again.
I discovered this idea of beginning again about a year ago when we first began battling wills, around 18 months. At some point I realized that if enough things were going "wrong" I should just let them dissolve into the past and move forward with my day taking each interaction with Truman as a new entity instead of gumming them all together in the way we tend to process adult days.
For toddlers life is so immediate and the future so distant that parenting a toddler demands the same kind of forgiveness of time.
Today it was a struggle to remember these things.
The day started normally enough. I stuck to my commitment to get up earlier so that we would have more time to get ready. He didn't want to put on his pants, but that is not unusual. I quickly put them on, which usually helps him avoid becoming too engrossed in his frustration about needing to wear them, but he was still upset. He asked to nurse. He hadn't nursed when he woke up so I started nursing him, but he didn't want to accept when it was time to stop (though I did count down for him starting with just mentioning he could have a few more minutes, then two minutes, then one minute, then almost done and finally done).
But he was mad when I unlatched him. He wanted more milk and he didn't want to leave. He did not want to put on his coat, but that is not unusual.
As usual, I had to begin leaving in order to get him to want to leave. But even as we were leaving he was crying because he hadn't wanted to put on his boots, but seemed to be changing his mind. I really didn't understand why he was crying.
In retrospect I think he was just feeling frustrated and wanted to spend the morning at home and the fact that he had to leave was making him even more frustrated.
He did not want to go potty before heading into the YMCA kids area, and was a little reluctant to go in, though he was happy to be there once he was there.
I went to yoga and returned to find him reluctant to leave. He was playing with his favorite toy and I entered to facilitate leaving. I considered staying to let him continue playing for a bit, but he wasn't able to control himself enough to share with other kids who were asking so I picked him up and took him to leave.
He was clearly frustrated about sharing and leaving and now did not want his wristband taken off (a safety thing they do at the Y to make sure parents end up with the right kids). Finally we got it off but he was very upset, crying continually.
I asked the person at the front desk for another wrist band and he calmed down once it was on his wrist. I thought maybe things would be looking up.
But then he decided he needed a bottle of water from the vending machine (something we have done twice). I explained that we couldn't get bottled water today and that we had a bottle of water with us, but it didn't matter. He wanted that bottled water and nothing else.
He cried all the way to the car, then cried in the car.
He was excited when we arrived at the Elk River La Leche League meeting because he knew there would be friends to play with. But he spent the meeting, tackling, hugging to hard, chasing and running out of the room. Despite my constant reminders and his assurance that he understood what he needed to do, he couldn't control himself.
He finally fell asleep on the way home and I think maybe when he awakes he will feel better.
The day was incredibly frustrating for me, but I realize that it was more so for him. He was unable to control himself and that is why I was unable to "control" him.
I have struggled for a long time with the issue of "controlling" children. In reality I have no control of my child, only the ability to help him control himself.
There are some children born with more docile tendencies that allow parents the illusion of control, but my son is not this way. He has made it clear forever that parenting is not an issue of control.
It's hard not to look at today and try to think of ways to parent better. But I am not sure that anything I could have changed would have changed the outcome. He normally is able to control himself in all of those situations. He is normally only bothered by one or two of those things in a day. It was just one of those days where he was struggling with something of his own and I need to respect that.
Creeping in my head now are thoughts of how this idea must look to more mainstream parents. How I look like I can't set rules or follow through on punishments or how I don't have control of my child because I am not doing things to have control of him. While I sometimes feel the glare of these ideas upon me, I know that I am doing things to prevent these situations. And I take pride in my ability as a parent — in all the things I do well. And I let go of these hard days while I help him let go of them to move forward.
1 comment:
Isn't it funny how we so often fail to see our children as "whole" people just like us - people capable of having good days and bad days, and who react just like we would if we didn't get to decide where we went with whom and for how long? So hard to stay with that concept through the day when you're trying to get things done...
LOVE your idea about each interaction as a new entity vs. gumming together. We've recently added "starting over" as one of our options when we're feeling frustrated or angry and it has helped both of us immensely.
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