PPC day twenty three: Consequences

Here's the thing about consequences: they are not fun to enforce. But that doesn't mean I can just avoid teaching my son things because it's hard.

Not that you would expect me to, right?

On the other hand, I strive not to be an authoritarian parent, based on instinct and research I have done.

Most recently Nurture Shock taught me that according to studies most teens lie. Now, Truman is no teen, but he will be someday and the foundation of our relationship is being mapped out now.

So, what makes teens lie less? Teens who feel their parents set rules, but are willing to bend the rules under some circumstances are least likely to lie. If they feel they can negotiate, then they will try, instead of lying out-right.

The parenting I am trying to practice involves both set and malleable rules. Of course this makes deciding what is set and what is malleable hard.

Really hard.

Anyway, I have been thinking about consequences after reading about a moment my friend Meredith had with her son.

What things will I negotiate and in which will I draw a hard line?

There is only one way to find out: trail and error.

Today we went to the Maple Maze (a big indoor climbing structure). When we got there Truman did not want to go potty. I told him that was fine, but he needed to tell me when he did have to go and I would help him.

I should pause here to say that I have already tried drawing the hard line with pottying. But here is the thing, you can't make someone who doesn't want to pee pee. You can try to trick them into peeing while running water (30% efficacy), but you can't actually force them to pee.

I think some kids can be "forced" into peeing by being told to do so, by bribes or other explanations, but my spirited child will not pee unless he has decided to.

I have focused on trying to make sure he remembers when he has to go and this has worked somewhat well.

Anyway, a little while later he wet his pants. I told him calmly that it was okay and that we needed to go change his pants. He tried to pee, but didn't have to. While he was getting into his new pants I explained that this was his last pair of pants. He needed to go in the potty because if he went in them we would have to go.

A nice natural consequence: if you pee in your pants and don't have anymore, you have to leave.

He played for a while. I asked him if he had to go several times, then finally took him to the potty with me and asked him to try. He refused.

I reminded him that if he peed in his pants we would have to go because we didn't have any more pants. He understood. I told him to tell me when he had to go.

That boy can hold his pee for a long time, I give him credit. And he did not want to leave the maze.

Finally, hours later he came to get a drink, and once he started sipping he peed. He looked at me right away and said "ut oh!"

This was the hard part. He clearly didn't mean to pee his pants. I so wanted to just take him to the car, get more pants and come back. I so wanted to carry 5 pairs of pants so he wouldn't have to feel like he made a mistake and now he couldn't play.

I felt bad for him.

But, I also want a child who understands consequences and will take the time to pee in the potty so he doesn't wet his pants.

I want him to know that when I layout a clear set of rules to which he agrees that there will be consequences and to learn to foresee consequences for himself.

So we left. I think he thought we were getting the pants to bring back inside. He was upset when he realized we were leaving.

That part was hard.

What was good: for once he did not want to be in wet pants. He wanted to change his pants. This is a huge change from even last month. In the past few weeks he has gone from not caring that his clothes are wet or dirty, to wanting to change his pants and wash his shirt.

(Yes, shirt. He wears one shirt, but at least he wants to wash it now).

I hope that this consequence helps him learn to think ahead. I hope it helps him see why he should try to pee when I take him. I hope it helps him see consequences I haven't even outlined for him.

Afterward I explained why I take him potty when he doesn't have to go. That I want to offer him a chance so that he doesn't forget.