I think it's weird that there are certain statements Truman accepts from my mouth but argues with Joe about. It works the other way, too.
He doesn't accept physical restraint from me because he knows I can't follow through. He knows he can get away from me, so taking a minute in public doesn't work. It's all kicking and screaming and escaping.
But daddy can take him to the bathroom, talk with him for a few moments and he's fine.
I am lucky to spend so much time with my son. I know him on an intimate intuitive level, so when he's tired and can't communicate what he needs, I know what it is. I can respond appropriately to weird sounds or looks.
But daddy has a harder time because he's not a mind reader (and no one expects him to be).
Today we went out to brunch and Truman did not want to sit and eat. He hasn't been very hungry lately and so sitting while not eating was even less appealing. But daddy took him to a quiet place, talked with him, and they returned. He sat calmly for quite sometime.
When he came back he told me "daddy ang at me" (which means yell). I knew that Joe had not yelled at him, but I also knew that to him it felt like yelling because it had the effect of making him feel yelled at.
So I talked to him about it. I am trying to help him develop his internal voice that says he is loved even if someone yells at him. So I asked him why daddy talked to him that way and reminded him. I told him we loved him and that we were eating and needed him to stay at the table while we eat.
I chose my words carefully. And Joe and I talked about it right after in front of him. I told Joe I am with him and I want Truman to know that we are on the same side of things, but that I also feel I need to comfort him if he is scared or hurt.
Joe does the same thing when I get frustrated with Truman and yell.
I think there is value in parenting differently but it is important to keep the transparency that we are united. Daddy may do one thing and mommy may do another but the rule is the same.
1 comment:
This is so important! I tend to throw Nick under the bus when Jackson reacts to his discipline with fear or sadness. It's not the message I want to send at all, and something I'm working very consciously on right now. What I'm trying to do now is teach Jackson to tell his dad how he feels and let them talk through it instead of speaking for Nick. I'm hoping soon my first reaction will be to support Daddy's discipline rather than cater to Jackson's feeling about Daddy's discipline.
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