PPC day six: Revamping bad days

I called this day six because it is the sixth day since I began, though this is not the sixth post. I shall continue doing this because I find it unlikely in this stage of family life that I will blog everyday, but am continuing the project each day and want my posts to represent time not accumulation of words.

Truman did not want to leave the kids area at the Y today. He wanted to stay and play with the magnetic building toys he constantly is working toward mastery with.

I could have found this frustrating. I could have taken on the tantrum he was throwing. But I didn't.

Why?

Because I know how important working with that toy is to him. I know that day after day I find him there playing with the same toy patiently building a multitude of shapes, increasing his understanding of geometry and ability to work cooperatively with the other little boys who are just as interested in this toy.

This toy, I am told, has caused fist fights. It's well-loved.

Yet, when I arrived at the kids area and chose to watch him play for a minute to get a glimpse into his world — the world that exists without me — I watched him communicating with others; I watched a conflict emerge as one child smashed what they were working on; then I watched Truman raise one of the blocks poised to throw.

I cringed, thinking, don't do it.

And, you know, he didn't. He paused, thought about it and recoiled. Then began playing.

My son is an impulsive person, but I know when I see moments like that that all the things I have done to help him control those impulses are working, even if he can't do it all the time. It's working.

I left and let him play for a while longer while I knit. When I returned he was still not ready to go and that brings us back to the beginning of my story.

I went in and looked at what he had built with others: a big house, really quite neat. We talked about it and he said he wanted to build it again. I agreed that we would build one more house and then go. So we did.

This kind of count down approach has worked for us before, particularly in the pool, but it didn't work at all now.

So, I end up having to haul him out, at which point every displeasing encounter within the next 45 minutes of his life became a manifestation of the frustration he felt about still wanting to build houses.

All of these things were just obstacles creating more space between him and the thing he desired and they created waves of tantrums: cutting of his wristband, putting on his coat, going in the car, not having the food he wanted in the car, not having enough water in the car, getting out of the car, coming in the house.

I could have seen each of these tantrums as individual problems, letting each one wear on me as I tried to solve it or reason through it. But instead I knew he was just frustrated about the one thing and it was making all of these things worse.

I wrote about this on day one. I really learned this on day one.

And so I let the tantrums happen as they needed to, offering calm solutions to problems as they arose. And finally after 10 minutes crying in the garage that he wanted to get back in his car seat, he came inside and was ready to move on.

Though the last hour had been spent in something I had previously considered a conflict, I felt no more frustrated than when I began because I chose to focus on the underlying issue and helping him through that. I chose not to take on the task of solving all the small problems, or worrying about why he was upset about everything.

And now that we are on the other side of it I will let it go and allow my mind to begin again.

I tend to think I cannot let go of these things an infinite amount of times each day. That eventually they stack up and overwhelm me. But I will learn to do this. As letting go of possessions that clutter one's life creates peace in the physical space, letting go of the emotional clutter that builds from holding onto these moments creates peace in the mind.

Extreme Geometry

We stayed in a hotel Christmas Eve and night where Truman discovered a way to analyze geometric theories by leaping from bed to bed in different angles, thus inventing Extreme Geometry.

PPC Day one: a very bad terrible no good day

We've all had days where we wake up grumpy and that grump continues throughout the day. We mess up breakfast, forget appointments, lose our keys. In the end it looks like the real problem isn't what's happening to us but our attitude about it.

I have to be honest and say that while I have had these days before, I have a really hard time accepting when my son does. This is probably because when he has a bad day, I also have to engage in the bad day.

But I realized today that maybe I shouldn't be looking at the day as "off" and instead focus on each moment, getting through them, and helping him begin again.

I discovered this idea of beginning again about a year ago when we first began battling wills, around 18 months. At some point I realized that if enough things were going "wrong" I should just let them dissolve into the past and move forward with my day taking each interaction with Truman as a new entity instead of gumming them all together in the way we tend to process adult days.

For toddlers life is so immediate and the future so distant that parenting a toddler demands the same kind of forgiveness of time.

Today it was a struggle to remember these things.

The day started normally enough. I stuck to my commitment to get up earlier so that we would have more time to get ready. He didn't want to put on his pants, but that is not unusual. I quickly put them on, which usually helps him avoid becoming too engrossed in his frustration about needing to wear them, but he was still upset. He asked to nurse. He hadn't nursed when he woke up so I started nursing him, but he didn't want to accept when it was time to stop (though I did count down for him starting with just mentioning he could have a few more minutes, then two minutes, then one minute, then almost done and finally done).

But he was mad when I unlatched him. He wanted more milk and he didn't want to leave. He did not want to put on his coat, but that is not unusual.

As usual, I had to begin leaving in order to get him to want to leave. But even as we were leaving he was crying because he hadn't wanted to put on his boots, but seemed to be changing his mind. I really didn't understand why he was crying.

In retrospect I think he was just feeling frustrated and wanted to spend the morning at home and the fact that he had to leave was making him even more frustrated.

He did not want to go potty before heading into the YMCA kids area, and was a little reluctant to go in, though he was happy to be there once he was there.

I went to yoga and returned to find him reluctant to leave. He was playing with his favorite toy and I entered to facilitate leaving. I considered staying to let him continue playing for a bit, but he wasn't able to control himself enough to share with other kids who were asking so I picked him up and took him to leave.

He was clearly frustrated about sharing and leaving and now did not want his wristband taken off (a safety thing they do at the Y to make sure parents end up with the right kids). Finally we got it off but he was very upset, crying continually.

I asked the person at the front desk for another wrist band and he calmed down once it was on his wrist. I thought maybe things would be looking up.

But then he decided he needed a bottle of water from the vending machine (something we have done twice). I explained that we couldn't get bottled water today and that we had a bottle of water with us, but it didn't matter. He wanted that bottled water and nothing else.

He cried all the way to the car, then cried in the car.

He was excited when we arrived at the Elk River La Leche League meeting because he knew there would be friends to play with. But he spent the meeting, tackling, hugging to hard, chasing and running out of the room. Despite my constant reminders and his assurance that he understood what he needed to do, he couldn't control himself.

He finally fell asleep on the way home and I think maybe when he awakes he will feel better.

The day was incredibly frustrating for me, but I realize that it was more so for him. He was unable to control himself and that is why I was unable to "control" him.

I have struggled for a long time with the issue of "controlling" children. In reality I have no control of my child, only the ability to help him control himself.

There are some children born with more docile tendencies that allow parents the illusion of control, but my son is not this way. He has made it clear forever that parenting is not an issue of control.

It's hard not to look at today and try to think of ways to parent better. But I am not sure that anything I could have changed would have changed the outcome. He normally is able to control himself in all of those situations. He is normally only bothered by one or two of those things in a day. It was just one of those days where he was struggling with something of his own and I need to respect that.

Creeping in my head now are thoughts of how this idea must look to more mainstream parents. How I look like I can't set rules or follow through on punishments or how I don't have control of my child because I am not doing things to have control of him. While I sometimes feel the glare of these ideas upon me, I know that I am doing things to prevent these situations. And I take pride in my ability as a parent — in all the things I do well. And I let go of these hard days while I help him let go of them to move forward.

Positive Parenting Challenge: intro

My friend Meredith, who is blogging about her journey to parent positively, inspired me to take up a similar project.

I've struggled often with how to write about the joys and challenges of parenting without sounding like I was in way over my head and accentuating the negative or sounding like I was super mom and accentuating only the positive.

The thing is, parenting is so much a mix of both. I think a lot about how what Daniel Gilbert, author of Stumbling on Happiness, put it in this Aspen Ideas Festival speech that was aired on MPR a few years ago. He said studies show that while being married does increase our happiness, having children does not. In fact, people are happier shopping for groceries than they are with their kids.

And you know what, a few nights ago I did find myself in the grocery store with only my safely contained baby-in-womb while Joe swam with Truman and I told the clerk "shopping without my toddler is like being on vacation."

And I meant it. The ability to free my mind and think clearly about anything and everything. To dilly-dally if I like. In a way, to be a child myself instead of being a parent.

Gilbert acknowledged that this idea sounds terrible and that he wouldn't deny he loves his children and is glad he has them. But the facts are still there: from a science of happiness perspective children do not increase our happiness.

His point is this: all of the work of raising children at certain points in their life takes so much energy it clouds out other sources of joy. That's why when I am not with him I am able to see joy in even the mundane because my mind open to it.

But what he pointed out, and what I always latch onto is this: while our overall days may be filled with things that decrease happiness, the moments of happiness shared with or inspired by my children are ecstatic. Having children heightened my ability to be happy, even if they themselves do not always make me happy or provide me with a net gain of happiness.

Now that I am a parent the grocery store is a vacation and the dentist a spa. These are truths.

Parenting is work and in this project I am going to explore that work and challenge myself to parent in a way that is positive, gentile and leads us to a place of fulfillment and happiness.

And I will touch on this now because it is glaring me in the phase: are positivity and happiness inseparable? Do they necessarily lead to each other?

I do not know the answer, but I am going to be engaged in looking at these questions. My approach to this project is about positive parenting, but also my own personal journey to approach each day in a way that it leads to happiness and how all of these things interact.

All posts on this subject will be labeled PPC and then the title and tagged with positive parenting challenge. To see them all, just run a search.

Election day with #2

Truman and I had a good plan for the day, which involved getting up around 8. When I got up at 9:30, I realized my plans were pretty shot. We hung around the house. The I remembered it was election day and had an instant plan for a new adventure: walking to the voting depot and maybe checking out the museum next door or the park.

Then daddy came home with groceries, which was awesome. We ate lunch, daddy left and Truman was all ready to go on an adventure. So ready he wanted to get dressed (not usual!) and was even helping me.

Then I realized there were candidates I hadn't researched. While I was doing that he needed to take off his pants to go potty. Then he spilled milk on his shirt.

Now we were back at square one. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go vote at which point I realized he thought I was talking about a boat the whole time. Vote = Boat.

He was screaming for a boat ride. I explained that there was no boat, he could have a wagon ride to the voting place. I gave him a minute to work through it and when I looked over he was sleeping on a couch cushion on the floor, cuddling a box of crackers.

Joe had an equally unproductive day so we decided we'd both call it quits and he'd head home. I went and voted with only the company of little baby 2 snuggling in womb and we even had a bit of ice cream, then dinner (wrong order, right?).

It was good day, even if unproductive. I guess that's the magic of the everyday.

New Things

I tried to start a new blog that could combine this blog and my old blog. Something fresh, exciting, with fancy tabs over on wordpress.

But I think as we approach our own new things in this family (mostly spellbound baby #2) I am feeling wistful for these old blogs. I want to stay snuggled in the familiar.

But I do still want to write about all the new things the new blog was going to feature.

Since my father died last year I have been thinking almost daily about happiness and the kind of life I want to live. I want to start writing about some of this processing and the kind of mindful parenting I practice.

I keep seeing parallels in the way I think about parenting and the way others think about broader philosophical inquiries. I know a lot of people that look at parenting the way I do, but don't express it the way I do.

These are just beginning thoughts for the new things to come.

Feedar, Gheetor and Mekis

At almost 28 months, Truman is emerging as an incredibly imaginative child. He's still focused on how things work, but he goes about the world seeing every object for its possibilities.

This weekend he took a vacuum attachment and used it as a shoot to slide a butter knife through. Then he found a water bottle top and placed it on the end of the attachment so the butter knife couldn't fall through.

This, then, became a tub of butter. He stuck the knife in the attachment, then took the cap off and made the cap into toast. After buttering his toast he offered it to me.

"Buttered toast!"

He like simple language and words that describe more than one thing. All mechanical things that fly are airplanes, even though he knows the word for helicopter. All birds are birds. After seeing a duck at the Stearns County Fair last weekend he called it a "duck bird."

He is also making up his own language. Feedar is a word of excitement and empathy. If you look sad he will come over and say Feedar. If something wonderful happens — Feedar! Gheetor is basically the opposite, or at least it leads to the opposite. Gheetor is his word for all kinds of violence. It can be a noun or a verb or an adjective.

If he starts getting crazy we tell him "no gheetor."

Mekis is his word for music. It took us a long time to understand what mekis meant, though he said it all the time. I have no idea why he says mekis instead of music, but it is a relic of his toddlerhood I will miss once it is gone.

He is starting to sleep on his own so much better than he used to. We started giving him a bed time. He's always reluctant to head to bed, but happy to fall asleep and now Joe and I are able to leave him for a while until we're ready for bed.

He also naps by himself.

He is brave and kind and starting to be just a little more cautious about the world, especially bridges on the playground that bounce when you run over them.

For the first time Khai would climb through something Truman would not.

They are emerging as even better friends now that they are on more even footing.

Empathy

Truman exhibited his first act of empathy today. We were out at a park with Khai and Sarah. It was a chilly day and both boys had hats, but Khai's had been left in the car.

Truman hasn't been a huge fan of hats this winter, so I expect he won't wear one unless it's freeze-your-ears-off cold. But he was wearing his hat today for a while, but then took it off, so I let Khai (who has been loving hats recently) wear it.

Later, Truman ran up to Khai and took his hat back. Khai started crying while Truman dashed away and put on the hat.

"Truman, that hat is very important to Khai and he would really like to wear it, since it is not that important to you, can he use it for now?"

Truman thought for a few seconds, then took off the hat and walked it over to Khai.

I could hardly believe it. He seemed to understand completely what was going on and chose of his own volition (prompted by me, yes, but he's not the type to do anything unless he wants to) to give Khai the hat.




T climbed up on this hill and said "look at me!":

A Calm is Emerging

Boisterous
Adventurous
Vivacious
Endearing
Curious
Willful
Inventive
Energetic
Loving
Kind
Joyful

These are all words that are easy to label Truman with. And while he does at times exhibit calmness, it hasn't been a hallmark of his first two years.

But today while we were checking out the Twin Cities Attachment Parenting playgroup I saw a profound shift in his personality. Other kids were running and jumping and tossing crayons into the air — things Truman normally does — but he was watching. He was engaged and doing, but on a quieter, gentler scale.

It was like peering into what the older child Truman will be like and I think it's immersion symbols something I've been noticing in him the last few days: he's gaining control of his will.

Since around 18 months he has had the bladder control, knowledge and ability to use the potty, but his desire to do so has waxed and waned, mostly in moments where his will to do something else was stronger.

At the same time tantrums welled and in our outings it was apparent that frustration mounted when my will to get things done interfered with his will to explore.

Overtime we have grown together. I have learned to be patient and cognisant of his needs and desires and he has learned patience and delayed gratification. He has also gained more self-control.

The last few days he has been asking for and using the potty well and he's been very understanding of rules. Most of the rules we use right now involve safety or how long we will do an activity. The last few times we have gone swimming he's been remarkably amenable to leaving the pool, whereas when we first started going he would cry. Tonight he even initiated the end of our swim.

He's growing up. And while we still have tantrums sometimes, for the most part at (almost) 2 we are better able to understand each other and explore the world as a team.

Another "plan"

On the way home from today's adventures I was coaxing a very tired Truman to stay awake to avoid the dreaded 5:45 p.m. nap and the after midnight bedtime that goes with it.

So, on the drive home I kept tickling his feet to keep him awake. Toward the end of the drive I tried to give him a fig cookie help keep him awake. He stuck it in his mouth, then started to succumb to droopy eyes, cookie dangling.

I managed to get to about 6:15, but with such a big day behind him I think we're good; at least I'm hoping we're good.

LLL Buddies

(Sally, wearing Aurthur and towing Adah and Truman.)

I've been going to the St. Cloud La Leche League since we moved to Princeton when Truman was about 4 months old. I remember he was just starting to sit on his own at the first meeting. Now he's usually discovering all the outlets, light switches and doors in the library meeting rooms.

The breastfeeding support has been great, but what has been most valuable about the meetings is observing other women mothering, asking questions about any parenting problem and gaining acceptance and validation by sharing stories with a peer group.

I'm lucky enough to be part of a group of LLL friends with similarly aged children that have been going to the meetings for almost two years. Now the fun continues after meetings in playdates and group adventures.

What I have learned from these women has been invaluable. Having a peer group that shares my values has encouraged my confidence as a mother and helped my trust my own instincts.

Today we headed to Sally and Aurthur's house where we cooked a meal (Indian-spiced rice with great northern beans, broccoli, green beans, zucchini and swiss chard), explored and dined in her backyard, played with water, then headed to the park with another friend.

At the park, the wind ready for Aurthur's kite.










Truman and Adah saw a plane.




And Truman rode (then fell off) a big-boy swing for the first time.




There was also this strange older kid at the park walking around muttering that he hated everything. Sally asked if he liked raisins, after Truman dumped an entire bag in the grass and we were scrambling to salvage the clean ones. He said "no."

Five minutes later we'd walked away to fly the kite. I glanced back and the boy was gobbling what was left of the raisin pile. It reminded me of Nopey.

It's Spring and "the plan"

So, maybe we're predicted to get 10 inches of snow next weekend, but that didn't stop us (or the rest of our neighborhood) from celebrating spring yesterday by being outside. Outside without gloves and a hat and without freezing because I don't want to wear gloves and a hat.

Yesterday also marked the daylight savings time switch, which put us in a bit of a nap stand-off. When four rolled around, forgetting it was actually three (non-converted time) I decided we should create a keep Truman-awake-plan, which is no small feet.

In case you haven't noticed, he's not the kind of person that does anything unless he decides he wants to do it. Wonder where he gets that from ...

So, while he is not exactly easy to put to bed, he is also difficult to keep awake.

Cue "the plan."

Our almost two years of parenting have been filled with many "plans," lots of successes but many agonizing, tantrum- or poop-filled defeats.

The plan was to take a rampaging, tired boy to the park for over an hour to keep him awake until the golden hour (7:30 in our house) when he can go to sleep and stay asleep until morning (8:00 at our house. Yes, I know I'm lucky).

It sounded like a foolish endeavour, even at the time, but we had few options. So we did it. He climbed; he slid; he swung; he ran around with a little girl and kept eating gross snow with echoes of "no, gross," cascading from our mouths. Then he took a tumble, had some milk and a snuggle and walked home with us.

As I was making dinner he fell asleep in Joe's arms right around the golden hour and awoke excited for today at, drum roll, please ...

.......

8 o'clock!

So today I'm taking a victory lap by telling you all. We did it!

p.s, I'm going to start writing on this blog more. It may not always be snazzy, but I want to document more of our everyday adventures.

A-B-C, as easy as YouTube?

Truman's been showing some interest in learning letters so we're planning to focus on one letter each day. I just put together a play list for each letter on YouTube. We'll watch those, cut out an upper and lowercase letter to stick on the wall (and by the time we get through them all we'll have our own alphabet chart) and then do something with items that begin with that letter.

Today, with A we ate, smelled (he loves to smell things!) and played with an apple. Cut out apple and alligator shapes, colored and labeled them, then stuck them next to the letter Aa on the wall.

Then I got ambitious (okay, MORE ambitious) and drew three trees so he could count some apple shapes and stick them on the tree. That is where it started to fall apart. He did enjoy coloring the trees, cutting up the apples he was supposed to stick on them and unrolling gobs of the tape, though.

In these moments I just have to remind myself that doing those things were important to him, way more important than doing the activity I had set up. And in getting to explore the materials in the way he desired he was able to finally work the scissors by himself.

Now if only I could figure out what he is learning by making the house so messy, I'd be set. Although I guess what I am learning by having a messy house is that spending time with my child is much more important than cleaning.

21 Months: "Oh My Goodness"

(with Nana on New Year's Eve)


We've entered the stage where Truman can and will repeat any word he hears, so I have taken to saying "oh my" often — in frustration, in excitement, in amazement and anguish, at the TV, at bad drivers and at the things I stumble over. If it's really heated I'll even go so far as to say "oh my goodness!" In this way I have become an old lady to prevent my son from sounding like a sailor. Instead he sound like an old lady with me, walking around saying "oh my!" in a sweet and surprised voice.

These days he's not grown much more in size, though he is inching his way toward 3T shirts, but is growing exponentially in language and other practical tasks. Today he was able to use his scissors himself to cut paper. He couldn't do it exactly the right way, but he found a workable solution. And earlier this week he helped me roll out and cut cookies. He's very smart and intuitive when it comes to activities that involve hand manipulation, like a little engineer.

He loves to color and paint, run, climb, jump and dance. He likes snow and hates hats. He likes to watch things that fly and find things in the house. He's getting pretty good at playing catch and making baskets, but he also likes to carry a purse, care for baby dolls and play chef. He is a ball of energy while we are out, but will often concentrate on activities that interest him while at home.

He is getting better at using the potty and telling us when he has to go while we are out, but he still wears diapers when out and at night.

About once a day he talks about a family member who isn't present, either thinking about them, wanting to call them or when he sees a picture. He remembers and loves his family.

Here he was a year ago:

Overheard in our house

Truman just woke up from a nap and I took off his pants and diaper, saying "you're free."

And he says: "I'm free!"

Shocked I respond, "you're free!"

"I'm free," he says, "free, free, free."


We'll just hope he eventually enjoys pants.

Lipstick

Truman found a long forgotten lipstick. This was the result.

14 to 17 Months: From Pizza to Potty

(camping at Gooseberry Falls over labor day)

It's been a while since I've talked about Truman, so here is a review of this summer's achievements.

Around 15 months he started becoming very interested in "saying" things, but was having a hard time with many of the words he wanted to say because the compilations of sounds were too difficult. So we started practicing animal sounds, which he started picking up right away. The first was "meew," which he picked up rather organically from playing with cats and stated before even being prompted.

Dog (arf), monkey (oo, oo, oo, ah, ah), chicken (boc, boc, boc), cow (moo), tiger, lion, bear (all raaaawr), snake (ssssss, which is also the sound for pee) and a few others followed.

Then, a few weeks later word after word tumbled out of his mouth. Words like pizza (pzzapzza) cheese (cheee) and ball (ba) flow frrely these days. Other favorites include blueberries (bweebewy), water (formerly a tongue-wiggling sound water makes when you poor it and now wa'er), bye-bye, hi, and, of course, mama and dad.

If we tell him a word now, he usually will try to say it.

And it became clear he understood so much more, too. He stared being able to follow directions more (if he was willing=).

On this front he has started to come to the bathroom following my prompting and will even initiate this by telling us he has to go about once or twice a day (usually by patting himself or saying "pee" or "potty.") At 7 p.m. yesterday he was still using the same dry diaper he went to bed in the previous night with no pees having occurred outside of the potty. Today we've had a few outside of the potty, but mostly due to parental misunderstandings, not for lack of initiative on his part.

It will probably be a little while longer before he can reliably be out of diapers full time, but these are huge steps that have resulted from an elimination communication process that began when he was 6 months.

Truman continues to have huge feet (size 8, as of now) but is making up time on the teeth-front, popping molar after molar this month. He now has eight front teeth (4 on top and 4 on bottom) and three molars (one on top and two on bottom) that are coming in.

For the first time he is starting to outgrow the length of pants before the waist.

He loves to be outside and asks to go outside (mostly by whining and grasping madly for the door handle) every time he comes near our front or garage doors. He loved our camping trip and even did his share of hiking.

I am now planning lots of physical activity into our days. And this fall we are taking an art class for 1- & 2-year-olds from ECFE.

Objects of Curiosity: Book House

While in San Diego we had the awesome opportunity to see Aaron T. Stephan’s Building Houses/Hiding Under Rocks, a cube-hut of books that I was magnetically drawn to because it reminded me of The Raw Shark Texts (blogged here). Besides being an object of pure curiosity, the cube was built with great precision — none of titles of any of the books were visible because we're meant to forget that these are books. The center of the cube is carved into a sphere so carefully the interior acoustics are enhanced like a tiny amphitheater for one.

I suppose I'd be the perfect place to read over drafts of your own poetry aloud alone, letting your own voice, traveling through your own words, return back to you from the walls of books.

I could of stayed in there all day, but it was a behind-closed-doors exhibit at the New Children's Museum and we had to wander the rest of the place.

If I'm ever near another one of Aaron T. Stephan’s exhibits, I'll definitely want to check it out.

King of the Rice Puffs

If only I could get Joe to grow a matching mustache ...

I think you all get the idea how we got here. It's the same way we got to the Chili powder pile and the sauce sea. It's the same reason his carseat is perpetually full of snacks. The kid likes to dump his food all over the whole world, then splash around in it. He has a zest for life.

Take your son to work

And he ends up naked covered in water from a bird bath.

Taken, upon Jill's request, while Elizabeth was taking a nursing break during her session.